Even Angels Have Their Wicked Schemes

I haven’t posted in quite some time but tonight as my brain betrays me once more I feel the need to share my story thus far. I lost a friend, a dear friend, ten long years ago. And although I was only 9 at the time, the fact that he had accompanied me through so much in that short time that he got to live matters more to me than anything else that I have experienced. Through my troubled youth and therefore troubled adolescence he has been my rock and my guardian angel through all of it. I couldn’t have become the person that I am today without losing him in a way. I feel for anyone that has had to deal with anyone that has lost their battle with any long term disease, especially cancer. Ryan, my dear dear angel, I miss you daily and would give anything to hear your laughter or see your beautiful smile once more.

“If I find my way, through the darkest of days, will I laugh about the things that kept me awake? But if my greatest fears paints itself so crystal clear will I run away or will I hide? And if I don’t come home tonight just know I tried my best to fight, please don’t think I planned to lose to the night, and crystal moon so dull and bright, my heavy soul can’t stand the light, it burns me straight to the bone, my bones.” 

I hd an idea today while taking my SAT, lame, that people who blog, write to get noticed, regardless of the amount of people commenting, because they have something to say. Influencial people write to other influencial people. Simple as that.

 I dont understand why people feel the need to throw themselves at other people for what they feel is “love” or acceptance. People are going to love you for who you are! Not what you can provide to them, or what you think that they want you to be! Stop with all the fake bullshit and just be true, not only to others, but to yourself and follow your heart! Nothing matters more than what you think of yourself and you shouldnt let other people bring you down, regardless of how hard that may be to accomplish. I want to grow older knowing that the younger generations are believing in themselves, and fulfilling their dreams, not the ones that other people make for them.

I have learned so much over the past year, and I can honestly say, Im happier now then I ever was. Through all the hurt, and sorrow, I have found something real. Something that will never end, or  turn its back on me, something that I can truely rely on.. my kitten!! Just kidding! I think that I was in love with the thought of being in love, and I never knew the real feeling. I dont think anyone really knows the feeling until they fall completely for someone else. And I can completely say that I have. The feeling where you cant imagine a world without them, even a single minute without them brings you such pain that its unbearable, being able to give yourself completely to the other person with no regrets or sorrow, and to know that they will always be there for you, regardless of distance, time, circumstances, thats love. Does anyone know how to cope when that is taken from you??

My boyfriend means the world to me, and hes joining the airforce. Thats two years of only letters to communicate, and limitted breaks. I dont know what Im going to do because I cant live without him, but I want him to do what he wants to do with his life.. I dont know what to do..

I’ve got my things, I’m good to go
You met me at the terminal
Just one more plane ride and it’s done

We stood like statues at the gate
Vacation’s come and gone too late
There’s so much sun where I’m from
I had to give it away, had to give you away

And we spent four days on an
Island at your family’s old hotel
Sometimes perfection can be
It can be perfect hell, perfect…

Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn’t mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
And don’t fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised

I lace my Chucks, I walk the aisle
I take my pills, the babies cry
All I hear is what’s playing through
The in-flight radio
Now every word of every song
I ever heard that made me wanna stay
Is what’s playing through
The in-flight radio, and I
And I am, finally waking up

Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn’t mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
Don’t fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised, yeah

So read your books, but stay out late
Some nights, some nights, and don’t think
That you can’t stop by the bar
You haven’t shown your face here since the bad news
Well I’m here till close, with fingers crossed
Each night cause your place isn’t far

And hours pass, and hours pass, yeah, yeah…

Yeah, yeah, she still counts the minutes
That I am not there, I swear I didn’t mean
For it to feel like this
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised
And don’t fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got
So keep it steady, now
Cause every inch you see is bruised, bruised, bruised…

WOW.. so doesnt this speak to everyone?? I mean in some way everyone is damaged goods.. but hopefully everyone finds that someone that makes you feel like youre living a fairytale.. That youre worth every second that you reside on this earth, that youre worth every thing that they give up and spend with you. Because every single fucking one of you are worth this and deserve to feel loved, and wanted and beautiful. Embrace who you are and people will embrace you for everything that you are. Live.